Relator is my second top strength. And it’s the one I’m most grateful for in my coaching work — more than Strategic, more than Learner, more even than Intellection. Because coaching is, at its core, a relationship. And the Relator theme is what allows me to build relationships that are genuinely transformative rather than merely pleasant.
In this post, I want to explore what Relator actually means, how it differs from Includer (a theme it’s often confused with), and why — in leadership, coaching and life — depth of connection tends to outperform breadth every time.
What Is Relator?
In Gallup’s StrengthsFinder framework, people with Relator as a top theme are drawn toward people they already know. They find deep satisfaction in working hard with friends toward a common goal. They want to understand the goals, fears, dreams and history of the people they care about. They are genuinely interested in the lives of those close to them — not as a social skill, but as a fundamental orientation.
What distinguishes Relator from simply being warm or sociable is this: Relators are selective. They don’t seek to build connections with everyone. They seek to deepen connections with the people they’ve already chosen to invest in. This selectivity is not coldness. It’s precision.
What Is Includer?
Includer is a different theme entirely. People with Includer as a strength are sensitive to those on the outside. They are instinctively aware of people who feel excluded — from a conversation, a group, a team, an opportunity — and they act to bring them in. They want to stretch the circle wider. They believe everyone deserves to belong.
Both Relator and Includer are relationship-building themes. Both involve caring deeply about people. But their orientation is fundamentally different:
- Relator deepens existing connections — investing more in those they already know.
- Includer widens the circle — bringing in those on the outside who haven’t yet been included.
Neither is superior. Both are powerful. And understanding the difference helps you deploy them strategically.
The Depth vs. Breadth Question
There’s a cultural bias in many professional environments toward breadth of connection — toward large networks, many contacts, wide-angle relationship building. The LinkedIn connection count. The rolodex. The person who knows everyone in the room.
There’s real value in breadth. Includer-led teams create cultures where more people feel seen and valued. Wide networks unlock opportunities that narrow ones miss. I’m not arguing against any of that.
But here’s what I’ve seen — consistently, across industries and levels — in my coaching work:
The most meaningful professional outcomes — the breakthrough opportunities, the transformative collaborations, the genuine advocacy — almost always come from deep relationships, not wide ones.— Michael, MCMATHIUS
The person who will go to bat for you in a difficult meeting isn’t your five hundred LinkedIn connections. It’s the two or three people who genuinely know you — who understand your strengths, trust your character, and believe in what you’re building.
Relator in Leadership and Coaching
For leaders, Relator shows up in a specific and powerful way: they build trust faster and hold it longer than leaders who try to maintain good relationships with everyone equally. Their direct reports feel genuinely known — not managed. That sense of being truly seen is what unlocks the discretionary effort, the honest feedback, and the deep engagement that make teams remarkable.
In coaching, Relator is the strength that allows me to go quickly to the heart of what matters with a client. We don’t spend months on rapport-building pleasantries. We build real trust quickly, and that trust creates the safety for the honest, sometimes uncomfortable conversations that actually change things.
How to Build Deeper Connections Intentionally
Whether or not Relator is one of your top themes, here are three practices that will deepen the connections you already have:
- Know the story behind the person. Ask about their path — not their resume, their path. The decisions they made, the moments that shaped them. People who feel known are loyal and engaged in ways that the best compensation packages can’t replicate.
- Follow up on what matters to them. If someone mentions they have a big presentation on Thursday, ask about it on Friday. That simple act of remembrance signals genuine investment and builds trust over time.
- Choose depth over breadth deliberately. Identify the five to ten relationships in your professional life that are most worth investing in. Then invest. Don’t spread your relational attention so thin that no one gets a meaningful amount of it.
Good conversations build great futures. Not hundreds of brief exchanges — but a handful of deep, honest, invested ones with people you’ve chosen to truly know.
If Relator is one of your top strengths, you already know the power of this. The question is whether you’re giving it the space and legitimacy it deserves in how you work, lead and build your career. Let’s explore that together.
